Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Submission Ritual

I have given a great deal of thought to why I want my wife to discipline me by spanking me. I truly want her to give me a spanking that hurts for some perceived infraction of “her rules,” or something I do that annoys her.

My wife and I have been married a very long time. In fact we have a very good vanilla marriage. I probably appear to be very vanilla. No one on the outside would really suspect this “kink” I have. At least I don’t think so. But I do have this very real desire to be spanked by my wife. So, where does this desire of mine come from, and is it just a kink, or is there something more to it? To help explain my desire for this activity, I have come up with a model that I call the “Submission Ritual” model. I will try to explain it below.

My wife and I, I feel, are equal partners in our marriage. We are both well educated professionals with long careers and we work together to solve the normal domestic problems, finances, children, etc. I do all the normal “male” chores, cutting grass, fixing what I can fix around the house, as well as some that are typically thought of as female, cooking, grocery shopping, some house cleaning. I don’t do these chores because my wife demands this of me by virtue of my position in the relationship; it is just the way our relationship has evolved. I like to cook and have always been interested in food. My wife takes more of a utilitarian approach to food but is always very appreciative of the meals I prepare for her. Since I cook it is logical that I do the grocery shopping. My wife works at home a lot, so I try to help out with the cleaning. That is not such an onerous chore since we are fortunate enough to have someone come in and clean a few times a week. The one chore she does not let me do is the laundry, since I have bungled it several times (should have gotten a spanking), and she is very particular about her clothes.

The one job I don’t like, and think is a major waste of time, is cutting grass. I’ve had a hard time finding someone reliable to do it for me. We have a fairly large yard with lots of ornamental trees, and it takes several hours to cut. But, my wife loves to see a nice green, freshly mowed lawn so I try to make sure it is cut every five to seven days. I often look at myself, and think of myself as a stealth submissive. But the point is I like to do things for my wife. I don’t feel that she is taking advantage of me or doming me, and she is no slacker herself; it is simply the way our relationship has evolved, and I like it. She wakes up every Saturday morning and says “Do you have a plan?” I know that she has a plan and I usually defer to it if possible. My wife does not see me as submissive at all.

And there is the problem. I need a submission ritual. Early in our marriage, I recognized some desire for submission. I think many young males have fantasies about being dommed in bed occasionally. Sexual intercourse is most often practiced as a female submissive ritual. Although it need not be that way it is convenient. I need a very definite submission ritual to indicate to my wife in a symbolic, physical and sexual way that she is a very important person to me. To me, intercourse feels more like I am taking instead of giving. I feel I need that physical submission ritual to bond with my wife.

Why spanking? Certainly spanking is discredited as a form of discipline for children. That is because the appropriate discipline model is rarely applied. Children are generally spanked because the parent is at their wits end with the child and they “lose it,” so to speak. It accomplishes nothing and may do damage.

The appropriate discipline model is: I am the authority figure that loves you and is responsible for your proper behavioral development. You have behaved badly, and you have to understand there are consequences for bad behavior. I want you to think about your behavior and how you can improve it. We will discuss it, and then the consequence for you is that you will be punished with a spanking.

This discipline model, I think, works really well in an adult submission ritual between partners. Spanking is an intimate, in some sense sexual, activity with the spankee naked or partially naked, draped across the lap of his partner. Based on the above discipline model, the ritual involves authority, love and a touch of contrition/humiliation for the spankee. But the best part of the spanking submission ritual is that the pain of the spanking gives the ritual reality. Everything else that goes with spanking, anticipation, corner time, special clothing, etc., is icing. Every spankee knows, whether he likes it or not, that the pain of the spanking is what gives the ritual concreteness, and that, lacking, would negate the whole process.

The submission ritual model then provides a general model that, between loving partners:
Acknowledges the authority of one partner over the other (at least for the duration of the ritual).
Expresses the love of the authority figure for the submissive partner.
Expresses humility in love of the submissive partner before the authority figure.
Has sexual elements (since it is conducted in the context of a sexual relationship).
Has elements that create reality for the ritual (for example the pain of a spanking).
Ideally, creates a bonding experience between partners as a result of the activity.
The activities the submission ritual model covers could range from wedding vows, to giving your partner a foot rub on demand, to spanking, to much more intense activities. Spanking seems to be a popular submission ritual because it is easily implemented, easily embellished and provides just enough physical sensation to make it real. Intercourse may or may not have all of the components of the submission ritual. That will depend in part on the attitudes of the participants. Furthermore, pain may accentuate reality better than orgasmic pleasure which seems to me to tend more toward the surreal. In any case, my preference is for spanking since I regard intercourse as basically “female submissive,” and making it otherwise might not be particularly convenient or palatable for my wife.

My need for the submission ritual seems to intensify with time, even exponentially since I have had a taste of it now. As I said above I had indications of the need as a younger man. Over the years I hinted about it to my wife without much success. Then finally, several years ago, I “outed” myself to my wife very explicitly. I don’t know if this is the experience of many other F/M spankaphiles, but I have noticed in browsing spanking and F/M groups and blogs that many of the F/M males who engage in spanking are over fifty. I can only surmise that these are men who are confidant enough in their relationship to ask there partners to practice submission rituals with them, spanking as well as other submission rituals in some cases. Their masculinity is not threatened by their desire for such rituals, but rather their desire has grown and intensified over time in a stable and loving relationship with their partner. Furthermore their desire arises from a need to give to their partner some concrete symbol of their submission in love. This is an exchange process in some sense. As my wife submits to me in love I offer myself in submission. When I submit in this way to my wife I experience a bonding sensation that I don’t completely understand but is definitely there. I believe there is a real need for submission rituals in any good long term relationship, and, in fact, I think they always exist between partners, although they may not manifest as a spanking submission ritual.

The problem is to convince my wife that this means more to me than just a silly sex game we play. Of course, when I came out to my wife I created a spanking ritual and couched it as a game, which may have been an error on my part. There can be a play aspect to it, but I would, nevertheless, like her to take it seriously and initiate the ritual as needed, which is frequently. The second problem is that I am still taking in a sense, or, phrased as a question, “Am I taking more than I’m giving?” I am afraid I may be. I may be the only one that feels the bonding rush. I have difficulty gagging her feelings on this. In my mind, I am giving something both physical and symbolic to her, a physical and symbolic acknowledgment that she is so important to me that I am willing to submit to her authority and her humiliating and painful punishment. However, my wife may not particularly want that physical/symbolic gift.

My hope is that my wife will one day understand the depth of my feeling, and will get something out of the ritual herself. I love my wife and I love her firm but loving discipline.
(artist: Sardax, from T.A.K.S.A. Yahoo Group)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am a male and over 50 as well. For me, I enjoy the feeling of a woman's power over me and her control, but only on an occasional basis. It's a welcome change, an adventure, fun -- I guess a kind of game.