Thursday, December 9, 2010

Ritual versus Punishment

Spanking is something I’ve been interested in for a long time. I now recall an incident when I was about ten or eleven regarding spanking that I might relate at a latter date, but spanking has been on my mind for quite a while.

I remember trying to introduce F/m discipline to C a few years into our marriage. I was on a business trip in Monterey, California. I had a dead afternoon. I was driving around Monterey when I noticed an adult store so I parked and went in to see if they had any interesting toys. We didn’t have such stores where I lived.

As I perused the store, I came across a locked case containing leather floggers and other leather implements designed to use on someone’s bottom. One of the floggers caught my eye. I imagined C whipping me with it, and the fantasy caused me to go into a mild state of arousal. I had to really screw up my courage to ask the only sales clerk in the store to open the case for me so I could examine the flogger. Finally, I thought what the heck, these people will never see me again, and the stuff is there to sell anyway.

I told the clerk that I would like to see the flogger. He said he was helping another customer, but he would be over in a few minutes. I went back and stood by the case.

A man in the store, who had apparently overheard my brief conversation with the clerk, came up to me and said “Who’s going to be whipped with that, you, or your wife?”

I was a little taken aback. I was young, in my thirties, and I was a bit embarrassed about being in the store in the first place. I wasn’t quite sure whether this man had some type of motive in approaching me. However, I kept my composure and said, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe a little of both.”

“Well, it’s all a game anyway,” he said. “As long as everybody has fun,” and he moved on.

I bought the flogger for forty dollars, which I thought was a pretty stiff price, but I fantasized about C using it on me, and decided it was well worth it.

I got C some other nice presents as well (not in the adult store though). When I got home I was showing her the things I had bought for her, and I finally brought out the flogger.

“What’s that?” C exclaimed.

“It’s a flogger. I was hoping you would whip me with it, because I’ve been a very naughty boy.”

“In your dreams,” C said.

I was very disappointed.

C did actually use the flogger on me once when we were having a hot weekend in a hotel somewhere. And, I actually used it on her once. However, two whippings with a forty dollar flogger makes it twenty dollars a whipping, which is not a terribly good value.

When we moved ten years ago, C was cleaning things out, and tossed the flogger along with a number of my other kinky things I had collected over the years. Fortunately I noticed and recovered all of the items.

Well, that ramble dates my interest in discipline to the early years of my marriage to C. There were other things I came upon over the years. I found a very nice broad backed, flat wooden hairbrush with a very nice handle for gripping. I purchased it. It was never used to brush hair even though it sat on the bathroom counter in plain sight for many years. C knew what the implication was, and I may have been explicit, but she chose to ignore my desires.

Eventually, out of frustration, I just laid it out for C. C listened and said O.K., but never initiated anything. If I requested a spanking she would comply, but never really got into it.

I then posted to this blog my ideas on spanking being a submission ritual and emailed a copy of the post to C (C never reads my blog). At that point she seemed to understand a little better where I was coming from and our spanking interaction improved and increased.

Everyone says that in a spanking relationship or an FLR, communication is the most important element. I am certainly not in and FLR at this point in time and my communication skills are not moving me in that direction very fast. One of the main problems is that C seems to be very uncomfortable discussing anything about spanking, FLR or our sexual interaction. When I try to start a dialogue on such topics nothing comes back, and C changes the subject as quickly as possible.

So with that background I will describe the past Saturday to you. I got a spanking on Saturday morning. Both of my live-at-home children had volunteered to help in a school science event that required them to travel to another town – at six in the morning. C came into the kitchen when I was cooking dinner on Friday night. She put her chin on my shoulder and patted me on the bottom and whispered, “I’m afraid there is going to be a spanking tomorrow.” I just smiled.

C plays this as a game. She doesn’t really grasp my real need for her control, her discipline and my desire to be submissive to her.

In any case the children left at six the next morning and at eight I got spanked.

I took a shower and put on punishment panties, and then climbed back into bed where C was reading the paper, and having a cup of coffee that I had served her.

“Don’t get back in bed,” C said. “You need to do your corner time and think about how bad you’ve been.”

“O.K.” I said. “But, you know C, this isn’t exactly a game to me.”

“It’s a game,” C said. “Go do your corner time. I’ll take care of you in a few minutes.”

C eventually took me to the couch in the living room. She read out the infractions that I had written in the punishment book, lowered my panties, and put me over her lap for a moderate spanking. She then held me for several minutes, the part of spanking I like best. My panties were still around my knees, and I realized after a while that I had an erection. That doesn’t usually happen. Finally, she took me back to the bedroom and we made love. I had an orgasm, she did not.

Latter in the afternoon, I drove C into town to have lunch, and run some errands. While in the car I decided to have some dialogue with her about our spanking session.

“That was a good spanking session this morning,” I said. “I like your control and the bonding rush I get after you spank me. You should spank me more. You should really spank me anytime I screw up.”

“Hmmmm,” C said.

“For example,” I said, “you should really have spanked me when I had that meltdown three weeks ago over the magazine you threw away. You should have hauled me back to the bedroom and told me that as soon as the kids were out of the house I would get a spanking, and ordered me to put on my punishment panties to remind me of my impending fate.”

“Hmmmm,” said C.

“You know C, I really need your control and your discipline. You really are the better half of this marriage. I screw up all the time, and I should be disciplined for it, you never do. You’re older than I am, a little bit; you earn more money than I do, you work harder than I do, and you are just a better person. You deserve and need to express some real authority over me, and I will submit to it.”

“That is ridiculous,” said C. “You don’t screw up all the time and we are equals. I want to be equals. I’m six months older than you, I made a miniscule amount more than you did last year for the first time in our marriage, and what does that have to do with anything anyway, and I don’t work harder than you do.”

“Yes you do. You work all day and then come home and write reports all evening. I never do that.”

“I don’t want this spanking thing to be our whole relationship. Anyway, where do you want to have lunch? It will have to be somewhere fairly fast. My hair appointment is at two.”

That is what passes for communication in a thirty year plus marriage. I didn’t press it, and we had a nice afternoon.

Now, after that very brief discussion of screwing up, I screwed up. I did not do it intentionally, I never do. It was simply a lapse of judgment.

C was planning to go out of town for two days to a conference with a colleague. Her colleague was going to drive, but had gotten ill. C thought she might have to drive, and since the children were out of town with the other cars, I was to be stranded in the boonies all Sunday. This impacted my grocery shopping strategy. For the evening, I bought a bottle of cabernet for C, because she drinks red wine, and I got two bottles of chardonnay for me, one for the evening, and one for Sunday. However I did not want C to know about the second bottle of chardonnay, because she gets uptight about my drinking. I separated the bottles and left one in the trunk of the car when I took the groceries in. Latter I went out to retrieve it, planning to hide it in the bin that we use to recycle bottles. The bagger at the grocery store had wrapped the bottle in a brown paper bag. Just as I was lifting the lid of the recycle bin, C came into the garage for some reason, and surprised me.

“What are you doing?”

“Just throwing some bottles away,” I said as I dumped the bag wrapped bottle in the recycle bin.

C looked suspicious. I knew I had been caught, but I went back into the house.

A bit latter I walked into the kitchen and there was C holding the wine bottle.

“Why are you hiding wine from me? What are you doing?” C said with a good deal of irritation in her voice.

“I just wanted some wine for tomorrow, and I thought I would be stranded here all day,” I said.

“But why are you hiding it?”

“I don’t know,” I said. I was very embarrassed.

“I have a good mind to make you write this down in your punishment book, but I guess that would just reward you!” C slammed the bottle down on the counter and walked out.

I felt very bad, but I was stunned by her statement. Had punishing me with a spanking for a real offence momentarily crossed her mind?

Latter I was building a fire for C as she reclined in her leather chair in the den.

“C,” I said, “if you want to punish me for what I did today, you may.”

“Why would I do that, you like spankings?”

“I don’t like spankings. I like the ritual in the ritual spankings we do. You don’t have to do those things you do in a ritual spanking. I’ll submit to your discipline. I want your discipline.”

“Just build my fire please.”

And that was the end of a very strange Saturday.


Anonymous said...

I appreciate the frankness of your account. Like you, I initially had to convince my girlfriends and my two (successive) wives that they might enjoy spanking me -but, then, I had been the one who spanked them first (and the fact that they had enjoyed it actually made it easier to have them turn the tables)

Once they got into the habit, they discovered that they really enjoyed it --not to mention the hot aftermaths :-) I hope your own C. will get around to initiating those sessions without having to be prompted and talked into it.


widgets said...

You are not spanked because you desire and push for it. By not spanking you C is punishing you. You have to change your tactic: when you do good you get spanked, when you foul up you do not. The better you do the more the reward spanking for you and for C the better the loving and it is your duty as a reward that she must climax.

Danielle said...

Very interesting post.. still thinking how to respond as regards content...

Anonymous said...

Thank you. The first thing that got me - since it happened here - was the disappointment you must have felt when she threw that first flogger away. Ouch!! Sorry.

My wife is slowly, maybe taking to spanking me. I'm not sure. But what you write sure sounds familiar.

Last week, after she spanked me and I orally pleased Her, she turned her back to me and made me JO in my panties. Exciting - but so different from the old days, Her not even looking! Eventually She came over and played with my balls in the panties and swatted me until I came in the nylon material. Progress. :) We can only hope it continues, for all of us in our own ways... Good luck!!! And thanks!

Giles English said...

I think she's communicating very clearly indeed; she's happy to play - even initiate - bedroom games, but she doesn't want any leakage over into real life. Any time you try to take an excursion - as with the bottles - into FLR, you're actually taking a step back.

If you establish a really strong firewall between the bedroom kink and real life, you might find she'll feel secure enough to go deeper and darker for you.

I suspect you should also focus on improving the bedroom games from her point of view. What's in it for her?

Throck said...

Thanks for your comment. I constantly hope C will take more control, spank me and enjoy it.

It seems so strange that I have to be good to be spanked. Is that the way you handle AJ?

I always like to hear from you. I don't quite know what to make of the situation either, but let me know if you have any ideas. What would you have done in a situation like I experienced?

Yes , these things seem to ebb and flow. I find it very hard to get into a woman's head, even one I've known for a very long time. They do the strangest things sometime.

You may be right, but I would like to move C toward a more WLM-DD relationship, I think. I certainly want C to get something out of this, and I was encouraged that after the discipline session we had prior to this one, she did. However, as I said to Weave, these things seem t ebb and flow. I think, perhaps, C plans to keep this a bedroom game on her terms. I doubt that my desire for an WLM-DD will ever be fulfilled (and perhaps that's for the better). I did, however, like your reference to "darker." I would like these games to get a bit darker.

Thanks again for everyone's comments.


Giles English said...

The safety net of "it's all agame" supports a lot of darkness.

DB said...

My problem is that my partner loves me, but is uncomfortable causing pain. I don't like a lot of pain, but love a little sting. I also madly love the preparatory rituals and hearing her dominant language. As I have pointed out elsewhere, I live to hear her saying "Get over my knee," but she rarely voices that.

We have to live with what we can get, sometimes. All the "communication" in the world doesn't work when one side just doesn't want to hear it.

Giles English said...

Sometimes communication has to be unspoken. It's possible it's not just the pain, but fear of taking on a mommy role that hold her back.

You might try, in the aftermath of a spanking session, being as manly and proactive as you can manage. Over time, this migth alay her fears.

Also, it still goes back to "What's in it for her?"

DB said...

There are some excellent points being made here about the interplay of human needs and desires. It seems to me that we need to be clear and honest with partners. In my case, I have tried to communicate that I want her to role-play domestic dominance in the context of foreplay ONLY, not as a "lifestyle." I'm not sure why this has been so hard to communicate. It may be that it is just so foreign to her needs and expectations that she is shrugging it off. Perhaps I need to look in the mirror a little more deeply.

Giles English said...

Possibly the particular form of your fantasy puts her off. However, I think it's easy to forget the other barriers to play, including self consciousness, cultural imperatives against eroticism, emotional fragility, and plain old fatigue.

If we were sitting in the pub, I'd tentatively suggest that spanking and other punishment games have three problems: First, they don't offer the spanker any vanilla benefits; Second, they're very all or nothing, so you can't gradually build them up; Finally, they require the spanker to be entirely active.

Really, they're the BDSM version of a blow job. Not a bad thing in themselves, but missing something.

What you might think of trying is a two pronged attack on the problem. Examine your own fetish to see if it can take other forms and other wrappings, and at the same time help her explore her sensuality and eroticism... give her long back rubs and listen to here fantasies, watch female-orientated thinly disguised soft porn with her.

Throck said...

A very interesting discussion with a number of good points. I certainly agree with DB that communication can be difficult with a vanilla spouse. I think that in many cases vanilla women,such as my wife C, just can't visualize themselves in a dominant role, even though they may be dominant in many ways.
The "mommy" issue is another matter. I shun any reference to "mommy" when playing or communicating with C, since I know that would kill the moment. I may have such fantasies, but I keep them strictly to myself.
Finally, there is the age old question of "what's in it for the vanilla spanker?" Assuming our vanilla wives love us, I think they eventually come to the realization that they have given us something we want badly. I admit, it's a little difficult to reconcile the pain, love dichotomy, but it seems widely acknowledged on some plane, and I believe a vanilla spouse can eventually come to recognize that some true pain is required to "get into the head" of the spankee, and make the ritual effective. I know that whenever I give C something she wants, sexually or otherwise, it makes me happy. I also experience a bonding rush after a spanking when C holds me, and I think I have perceived some reciprocation from C.
My view is that spanking is not much of a fetish. It is practiced too widely to really fit the definition, particularly since most people who participate in spanking don't seem to be dependent on it, and lead fairly vanilla lifestyles outwardly, and in the bedroom as well. It appears that it may be one of the most widely practiced sexual kinks, but I really don't have any hard statistics to back that up.
As for soft porn, Giles, do you have any suggestions? C thinks my blog is porn, and won't read it. That is what I'm up against as regards erotic film. I don't know about DB.

Thanks again for the interesting comments. I've enjoyed the discussion.


Anonymous said...

Throck- ooh. Sorry to hear she thinks your blog is porn and won't read. (or maybe she does??). But gotcha on the video angle!
I'm also thinking -- hoping, really -- that with exposure over time, the Ladies will become a little more "open" to thoughts... but I think this may be over months, not weeks or days, unfortunately.
We've had a little progress here lately, will hope it continues for ALL of us next year!! :)

Anonymous said...

N. (my wife) decided that she would celebrate the "Twelve Days of Christmas" by applying twelve different instruments on my bare backside! A season to remember!...


PS Because she is Spanish, the last installment on January 6 (El dia de los Reyes) was "a special treat" with her riding crop!

Blondie said...

I think where you are going wrong is in wanting real punishment and being subject to your wife.

I have enjoyed my wife spanking me for years but it is nothing to do with discipline or being subject to her. She is being subject to me actually in doing it.

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